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Reality television is terrible, most people would agree to that, yet so many of us watch it as a secret vice. And it’s no less terrible. Unfortunately one of mine is Bravo’s Real Housewives series. I don’t watch every new episode (thankfully because the brain rottage would be phenomenal). I usually record or catch the series on reruns. It’s all trivial nonsense (it takes me back to the awful drama I witnessed and endured in middle and high school), yet I wind up feeling incensed afterward. It’s all so petty and dumb yet I guess, like every viewer, I am addicted to the drama. And since all my friends are well-adjusted, productive people, I have NO ONE to vent my feelings to on the matter.

Except to you, who made the unfortunate choice to click on this post today. I’ll spare you going over the entire series, and focus mainly on my thoughts on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Let’s dive in!

Warning: Rambling, incoherent rants to follow, with a heavy dose of bad grammer mixed in. Some sprinkling of light profanity is to be expected. Proceed with caution.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

This is my favorite one, though I don’t know why because I can not stand half the people on it!

I was about to give up on this one, but thankfully i love the two new additions. Lisa Vanderpump, Lisa Rinna, and Eileen Davidson are the ONLY reason to watch this series. They are fabulous and fun. Lisa V is wonderfully witty (genuinely “snarky”), Lisa Rinna is fun, funny, and so down to earth, and Eileen is sexy and cool, but highly relate-able. Naturally they are friends, REAL friends, and way to good for the rest of the batch.

I have say my Lisa V. love has grown ten fold. She is so forgiving, even to jerks like Kyle, Brandi, and Yolanda, who tried to smear her and her husband all last year. She came out smelling like roses of course. Lisa Rinna is her long time buddy, and the dynamic between the two is wonderful, light, and fun. They can relate and joke with each other without keeping score. That’s genuine friendship. It was also so endearing watching Lisa’s scenes with her adoptive son Max, and her real concerns that arise from such a dynamic. The scenes where Max wished to discover his heritage and her fears that he may decide to leave her to seek out his biological parents rang true. Max and Pandora showing their genuine love for each other and for Lisa were moments that actually tugged on my stone heart strings. Compare that to the over dramatic nonsense with Kyle whining and crying about her spoiled kids going to college (it’s always ALL ABOUT KYLE), the audience is reminded why Lisa is the fan favorite. Because she is real. She is a kind, loving person at her core who believes in raising her children to respect hard work, yet would never deny them the things they need. Her kids are well rounded, respectfully, obviously loved and love her and Ken back. Likewise for all her ribbing of Ken, they share some sweet moments together, where as Kyle is too busy bragging about how hot and successful her husband is (Yolanda too), but I will get to that soon enough.

By the way, Lisa R. and Eileen seem to have wonderful marriages and families too. Eileen has been open about her experiences as a step mom, but she seems to have bonded well with her step son (again contrast that with Kyle and Yolanda’s crying fits). She brings a whole level of maturity and calmness I’ve not seen before in any franchise, (something Yolanda thinks she does). Like the Lisas’ though she will often joke self-depreciantly about the pitfalls of being in the entertainment industry (and they will be ACTUAL jokes).

Lisa Rinna is my second favorite. She is so bubbly and fun, but honest too. While Eileen is what Yolanda thinks she is, Lisa R. is what Brandi tries to portray herself as (and FAILS miserably).

Now let’s move on to the three witches of this show.

Yolanda can lose me with her Miss Saint edit. Kumbaya? Peace and Love? Please. I’m not an idiot. Her first season in, which was JUST LAST SEASON, we watched her be passive aggressive to all the women, but especially long time friend Lisa V., whom she was more than willing to gang up on that whole season (she was also pretty snotty to Joyce at the reunion). So she doesn’t want “fake Hollywood friends”? What does she think Kyle Richards and Brandi G. are?

Yolanda just hired a really good PR agency to spin her BS. I remember her awful accusations against Lisa’s husband Ken at the season finale. All he did was try to defend his wife from Yo and Co’s malicious slandering. We saw ON FILM he did nothing wrong, yet she accused him of physical abuse RIGHT ON CAMERA, causing a SCENE at a party where all their friends and a camera crew were attending! Then she has the AUDACITY to “Forgive” Lisa for her “transgressions” on this seasons premiere! What transgressions? Because she didn’t attend her stupid self-important painting party for her daughter?  AND NO APOLOGY for lying on camera about Ken and Lisa, despite there being NO PROOF WHAT-SO-EVER that Lisa was selling stories to the tabloids!

In my opinion, she is jealous of Lisa V. Why? Because Lisa V.’s husband values her as more than just a trophy Stepford wife. I’ve yet to see proof Yo’s husband David does the same.

Speaking of which, David Foster can miss me too. He is talented, sure, but no one outside of Hollywood would recognize his name, so his self-important attitude is quite laughable. He is as fake as Yo.

Yolanda is considered a member of the Hollywood Elite, so she thinks this entitles her to be the “mother hen” of the batch and it’s her primary calling to lecture and “scold” everyone. Please. Yolanda is former farmer’s daughter turned model, and she had a lot of success in high fashion before marrying one rich old man after another. She was able to live an uber glamorous life style with zero talent (and probably little real hustle) and has therefore been able transformed herself into the perfect Stepford wife. Since Husband Number XX is the renowned and highly talented David Foster, she is under the mistaken belief that his talents are HERS as well. No, sweetie.

You know, I could get on board with her having the good fortune to be genetically blessed, as well as lucky enough to be spotted at the right place at the right time to be signed on as a model, then have the further luck of being liked by all the right, hip photographers and designers of the time,  even though I would be very interested to know if she had to deal with certain…indescretions…other models have had to endure just to stay on the A-lists, ahem ; but for her to expect me to buy that she is some sort of naturally born domestic goddess/perfect polly princess with the greatest marriage EVER, and she is JUST the epitome of taste and elegance and EVERYONE should want to be her friend because she is just the FABULOUS YOLANDA FOSTER who DOES. NOT. have FAKE HOLLYWOOD FRIENDS then you are insulting my intelligence, badly.

Face it, Yolanda is only sucked up to because she is Yolanda FOSTER, she is able to live a fabulous lifestyle because she married very well. She has all the time and domestic staff to mold and train herself into becoming the perfect housewife/trophy wife. I don’t buy for one SECOND that her “love” would be happy with her being any other way. She obsesses over her weight/appearance, her home, what her daughters can eat to stay model thin, etc. She works WAY to hard to impress her husband and have everything JUST “SO” for me to buy that their relationship is one of mutual respect or equality. Now contrast that to Lisa V. and Ken. Lisa detractors try desperately to compare him to door mat Greg Leakes, but Ken is self made and very loving/affectionate/protective of Lisa V. An extremely successful man on his own, he was a confirmed bachelor when he met Lisa. After marriage instead of EXPECTING her to play the role of a domesticated “good wife” (a la MS FOSTER), he taught her the business and now they work as a TEAM. And Ken would rush to be at Lisa’s side at the hospital. Again, I think that is one of the reasons Yoyo is so pressed at Lisa, it’s because Yo knows she is bought and paid for, unlike Lisa.

Like I said, Yo isn’t talented, special, or even interesting. She can stop looking her nose down at everyone, since she doesn’t have a SINGLE accomplishment she can call her own without the aid of some rich man.

Now on to Kyle. Vile Kyle. Miss Drama Queen Extrodinaire. An out of work bad actress/former child star who OBSESSES over every little thing and has to make EVERYTHING be about her. EVERY. SINGLE. THING. Not to mention what a terrible friend she is.

She is infamous for doing splits on tables at parties to get attention (she’s how old??). She is infamous for screaming and storming out of restaurants. She will spread lies and bring up issues for camera time and an audience. In fact, not to long ago she spent an entire party running around the room after a big fight to tell EVERYONE what just happened. She was the freaking host. I guess you could say she “Heather Dubrow-ed.”

She is such a horrid actress you can always tell when she is faking or “on”, which is sadly about 80% of the time.

She instigated drama against Lisa V., a long time friend and companion, for attention and jealousy. Like Yo, she was so EAGER to believe the worst of her, and would NOT DROP THE ISSUE. Yet it was all Lisa’s fault? All last year she and Brandi, the woman she bullied RELENTLESSLY for a full season even going so far to hide her crutches at a party (WHAT GROWN WOMAN WITH KIDS DOES THAT??) tried to run a huge smear campaign on Lisa V. Now that Brandi has turned on her and is doing the same, Kyle is whining and crying like this isn’t a heaping dose of KARMA!

Brandi is the same woman whom, the very first season she was on, Kyle imidiantly went on the defensive and started to attack (with ZERO provocation). Two episodes in and Kyle was embaressing her kid in front of other kids and on television, making fun of Brandi for BEING ON CRUTCHES, only to later HIDE her crutches at a party that she and her imbecilic sister WERE MOCKING HER at. Brandi, seasons later wound up revealing herself to be just as vile, but at that point the ONLY PERSON who was trying to be her friend was Lisa. Brandi would of course later throw Lisa under the bus, just like Kyle, and I am still waiting hear any evidence that Lisa was a “master manipulator” who “leaked to the press” information about anyone on the show. Lisa, who has more money than those two combined, who lives quite comfortably and is actually busy and happy with her lot on life. Sorry, no.

Brandi turned on Kyle because Kyle deserves it. Kyle is a talentless shlog who is obsessed with being famous and material possessions. Kyle uses people, makes horrible accusations, tells lies, and accesses people based on how useful they are to her (exhibiting all the traits she tried to project on Lisa V.). Brandi is now giving her a taste of her own medicine, and I couldn’t be happier.

Brandi is essentially the Tamra Barney of the crew. She is crass, stupid, constantly wasted, vicious, nasty,  and a total trashy slob. She uses and manipulates people with the best of them, then will turn on them. The only difference between her and Kyle is that Kyle is a whiney braggart with some actual money and a put-together family; Kyle’s also usually sober. Brandi did Kyle’s dirty work for her last season, and now has moved on to Kim and is airing out all of precious Kyle’s laundry. Serve’s her right.

However I have to laugh when Brandi runs around making ageist remarks about the other women. Brandi is only a few years younger than Kyle, who is herself only a few years younger than Brandi’s current bestie Kim Richards. So every time she insults one of those “Menopausal Mommas” she is actually attacking her “dear” friend Kimmie. Plus, as Kyle (or maybe it was Lisa) said at the reunion, it’s better to go through menopause than have your cootchie and tampon string exposed to the whole world.

As for Kyle’s sister Kim, I won’t touch that, but it speaks to Bravo’s scruples that they still allow her on the show (guess Kyle wouldn’t have a storyline otherwise).

Real Housewives of Orange County

Truthfully I have given up on the series. It was bad enough with racists and drunken trash like Tamra Barney and Vicki Gunderson, but add the self important Heather and Terry Dubrow into the mix and I am out for good.

Mean girl Heather who constantly tries to act like she is so much more educated, cultured, and classier than the other women, is such an insufferable phoney and BAD ACTRESS I can’t deal anymore. Heather, with her overly botoxed, Joker face, can take her Word-Of-The-Day calender and shove it, especially since she doesn’t know the difference between a thesaurus and a dictionary. I pretty sure classy individuals don’t brag about being rude to waiters, or yack endlessly about how big their mini-mansions are, or how many famous people they “know,” or act nasty and spread lies about coworkers. And Terry, it’s HIGHLY unprofessional to give unsolicited “medical” analysis of people you don’t like. Grow up. You’re over 50 and it isn’t cute. And what a perfect family they have, Terry shows ZERO interests in his kids (I think he even called his very young school aged daughter a “slut.”) KLASSY!

By the way, Terry looks down on blue collar workers. Is anyone surprised? Until the insufferable Dubrows are gone I won’t be watching.

And Heather, sweetie, you were never a big deal as an actress. Having kids and changing your name had ZERO effect on your “career.” You were never going to be the next Julia Roberts. Daddy could only buy your way in so far. Like Kyle Richards, you bring the HAM on board for every performance and you are not cute. You moved to Orange County because there are tons of (better) plastic surgeons in L.A., Beverly Hills, and Hollywood. Only in Orange County are you and your husband special snowflakes. You are a bore. Good bye.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta

The ratings for this show is so high, and I have no idea why. Well, maybe one. Her name is Kenya Moore and while her delusions are on a painfully high scale she can be quite entertaining in a weird, train wreck sort of way. And thank god we have Claudia Jordan to throw some decent shade back at the insufferable ME-ME Leakes.

ME-ME is the only one I can’t stand. Between her crass, bully girl behavior, obnoxious donkey braying and grotesque, over-the-top faces that she must make in EVERY SINGLE TALKING HEAD I can’t find a redeemable trait in her! She’s not even a hustler, we’ve seen on tv her agency doing all the work for her. And what does she bring to the table? She isn’t funny, or interesting. She has no taste (just a label slob). She has no charisma, wit, or class. She’s super hypocritical, pressed, and loud. Not to mention all the times she’s shown racial, homophobic, and sexist tendancies. Calling Claudia a “half breed?” Really?? And how did this heifer get a role on Broadway when legit actors struggle? It isn’t from any line readings I can tell you that!

I think I’m ready to stop watching that one too. Heck, I shouldn’t be watching any of this crap in the first place! And how awful are those reunions and Watch What Happens Live? WWHL is just Andy mugging and preening to the camera, while the reunions have been reduced to just a bunch of screaming harpies with Andy pausing to cock his head to the side and make cutesy faces. Andy is an incompetent host. Can’t stand him.

Well, that’s really all I have to say. If you have managed to read this far, congratulations! You deserve a beer (or several) from the finest brewery! Or maybe a cookie. Your choice!