I am so sick, SO SICK, of seeing all these articles depicting Barbie Dolls as products of the anti-christ. If you are a sad sack that blames all your failings on a damn doll you need more therapy then you realize, because that’s some deep-rooted mental issues you’ve got going on there. Barbie is a hunk of plastic that was modeled after dress-maker dummies and was meant to be a grown-up fashion doll. Her early proportions featured thick thighs, thick butt, and big boobs; not exactly waif-like material there.
Now, does Barbie show girls (and guys) they can be whatever they want to be when they grow up? Not really, again she’s just a hunk of molded plastic, not a teaching tool. However, she can (and often does)serve as a reflection of the child playing with her. What does the child do with her? How does the child make the doll behave or dress?
I’m a feminist. I have a great many feminist friends. We all remember very fondly the hours we spent playing with our Barbies. We took her on some great adventures. We practiced our first kiss/date with our Ken and Barbie dolls. We played with her in sunshine, snow, and when we were sick. She was a vehicle for our wildest imaginations. And as a feminist, I can’t tell you how delighted we are to walk down toy aisles and see this doll (in different races and looks – including freckles and moles) wearing lab coats (doctor and veterinarian Barbie), helmets (astronaut and race car driver Barbie), and guitars (bold and sassy musician Barbie). These are popular dolls because that’s what the little girls (and guys) of our society want to buy. Think about that.
Stop blaming your inadequacies on a hunk of plastic!
Because I am still bitter as f*** about Silent Hills and ticked off that these little pre-teen troll snots only have to wait a few months for yet another installment of their favorite franchise, I am creating this post because I am that kind of person. Since this is a rant, there will be bad grammar/writing, “cursing”, rambling, and a misspelling or two (four, five, whatever).
Proceed at your own risk, because I am going to purge my demons in what may be my most lengthy post ever.
FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDY’S FRANCHISE FLAWS AND PLOT HOLES
The technology is way too sophisticated for the time period.
This is a big one and the most obvious. Fans always try to brush this off, but come on. According to the retconned ending of the prequel-sequel, Five Nights at Freddy’s 2 took place in 1987. I didn’t have to be alive in the 80’s to know that there were no free-standing (let alone “roaming”) animatronics, especially ones with facial recognition hooked up to criminal databases. Hell, Foxy can RUN great distances without collapsing into a heaping mess of parts and wires! Seriously? Disney didn’t even have that sh**! And this was a LOCAL pizza chain.
Actually, according to the Phone Guy’s messages, the original Freddy Fazbear was taken from an OLDER local restaurant, a supposedly much smaller, non-chain (meaning just one location), that was already equipped with similar technology (minus the facial recognition). Were the original owners mad scientists? Royalty? Aliens? Did they find the Heart of the Ocean? Again, even Disney didn’t have access to that type of technology (I don’t think they do even now)!
Let’s look at how advanced Springtrap was:
“For ease of operation, the animatronics are set to turn and walk towards sounds they hear which is an easy and hands-free approach to making sure the animatronics stay where the children are for maximum entertainment/crowd-pleasing value.”
Then, as if Scott realized this was too tech heavy, we have this:
“To change the animatronics to suit mode, insert and turn firmly the hand crank provided by the manufacturer. Turning the crank will recoil and compress the animatronic parts around the sides of the suit, providing room to climb inside.”
I guess all the wires and junk just disappeared. I blame the magic of the gnomes!
Let’s also look at this tid bit from the wiki about Five Nights at Freddy’s 2 (remember, this is the prequel that takes place in ’87):
“…that old restaurant was kind of left to rot for quite a while, but I want to reassure you, Fazbear Entertainment is committed to family fun and above all, safety. They’ve spent a small fortune on these new animatronics, uh, facial recognition, advanced mobility, they even let them walk around during the day. Isn’t that neat? – clears throat – But most importantly, they’re all tied into some kind of criminal database, so they can detect a predator a mile away.”
The wiki clarifies this further:
“Five Nights at Freddy’s takes place in an unknown year within the week of November 8th to November 13th, according to Mike Schmidt’s paycheck. The likely possibility is that the game takes place in the 1990’s, due to the minimum wage being around $4-5 an hour (when taking taxes into account) during that period.
… Many theorize that the game takes place around 1993. Were this the case, it would mean that Fredbear’s Family Diner, the original establishment and predecessor of Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza, opened up around 1973 as Phone Guy states: “If I were forced to sing those same stupid songs for twenty years and I never got a bath?,” which indicates that the restaurant is at least twenty years old.”
Twenty years old from 1993???
That means the original family restaurant (again, not a chain nor franchise) existed at least before 1973!! This means that BY 1973, there was at least one FREE STANDING, MOBILE animatronic that could “sense” when a person was around (remember, this is the whole plot of the first game). However, you will note that Phone Guy is talking about the four primary animatronics. The entire quote goes “Uh, the animatronic characters here do get a bit quirky at night, but do I blame them? No. If I were forced to sing those same stupid songs for twenty years and I never got a bath? I’d probably be a bit irritable at night too.” Which means either Fazbear’s Family Diner either had FOUR of these technological abominations running around, or Fazbear’s Entertainment did…BEFORE the events of FNAF2, having them long enough to ROT before the events of the game. This means, sometime between 1973 and 1987 (14 years) there were four animatronics left to rot. Were the other three (Bonnie, Chica, and Foxy) built by Fazbear Family Diner as well? And again, how does such a highly advanced piece of, what is at that point, “science fiction” tech not able to tell the difference between an animatronic (without a suit) and a person, when they apparently have no problem doing this during the daytime and when they can distinguish each other from the customers?
And how long did Fazbear’s Family Diner exist? We have a 14 year lapse of time between what we are to assume to be the creation of Freddy (at least) and the events of the prequel. The restaurant seen in FNAF2 is one of many locations, and hasn’t been opened for very long, so was the franchise still new, or had it existed for say, ten years? And how were they able to buy out a “family diner” that had at least one (presumably four by the dialogue of the second game) tech marvels that should have put the “family diner” on the map? And we are assumed that the “left to rot” bit meant that the Fazbear Family Diner was in some sort of financial ruin, that they couldn’t afford maintenance on the animatronics or the diner. Again this makes no sense.
Here’s the quote again, “…that old restaurant was kind of left to rot for quite a while, but I want to reassure you, Fazbear Entertainment is committed to family fun and above all, safety.” Are they talking about a Fazbear Entertainment restaurant or Family Diner? It would make zero sense for a successful local chain to have a location go to rot, and since the primary four came from the location mentioned, we are led to assume that Phone Guy is talking about Fazbear’s Family Diner. If he was talking about Fazbear’s Family Diner, the Franchise could NOT have been open long, because why else would the guard on deck get it confused with a previous institution (and different franchise)?
The more I think of it the worse my head hurts. It would make more sense if FNAF2 was a sequel-sequel, like it was insinuated to be in advertisements, but this is what happens when you try to retcon a twist ending. Logic usually fails.
Also, November doesn’t qualify as a “summer” month. Because “summer” refers to a season, not the weather. And thin LED laptops that hooked up to security monitors didn’t exist in the early 90’s either.
Missing locations are missing. And cameras angles are impractical.
Every restaurant chain (which we are to believe that Freddy’s was a popular local chain) has a manager’s office. Every. Single. One. Why? Because not only is it a place for management to do paperwork, answer phone calls, etc., but it’s also a place where employee’s are hired, disciplined, promoted, etc. A company that was rich enough to afford such highly advanced technology for a kid’s pizzeria would have at least one manager on duty. So where’s his office? And why is there no camera there? There is a camera everywhere else, including the damn supply closet. There is even a broken camera in the kitchen. So why is there no manager’s office in both of the two locations we see?
And while I can easily explain away inside security cameras as a method of child safety, as well as a means to keep and eye on the expensive animatronics and employees, but I must ask the glaringly obvious question: why are there no views of the doors to the outside (entrance) or on the registers? The FIRST place a camera should be!
Speaking of registers, where did people pay for their food in the location of FNAF1? We can assume people paid at the prize corner found in the location at FNAF2, but where in the first game?
Not to mention for a successful pizza franchise, there are only kitchens in select locations apparently. There’s certainly no kitchen to be seen in FNAF2. That’s kind of essential for making food. But I guess Fazbear’s Entertainment didn’t find it important enough.
And where are the fire exits?!!
The Springtrap suits are totally illogical as a plot device.
From the wiki, “…the mechanical parts inside of Springtrap were designed to be tightly compressed against the outside of the suit, using spring locks to hold them in place, allowing someone to enter and wear the suit. However, anyone in the suit would need to be very cautious, because, in the event that the spring locks malfunctioned, all the compressed animatronic parts would quickly shift back into place, severely injuring (and likely killing) whoever was inside the suit.”
Keep in mind the company that built fully automated, free walking, running, crawling animatronics with facial recognition during the Reagan era couldn’t figure out how to get this piece of technology to work properly.
Moving on…
“Springtrap’s spring mechanisms were faulty to the point that breathing on them lubricated them and made them malfunction, thus making it extremely dangerous to wear and leading to Springtrap being put away in an emergency/storage room in which all customers and most employees are not allowed to enter. The entrances to the rooms mentioned above were later covered up with pseudo walls and hidden from all camera views and maps, thus making these rooms nonexistent to unsuspecting customers and employees.”
Look, I know that Fazbear Entertainment was the Wal-Mart of kiddie restaurant chains, but give me a break! Besides all the cover-ups involved in the deaths/disappearances of children, guards, and employee mascots, how were these incredibly impractical suits even transported or assembled? A person couldn’t even get into these things without breathing on them, let alone sneak into them in a moment of panic without being pulverized! Think about it! The whole concept is absolutely absurd because the truth is this suits wouldn’t even have made it past the manufacturing phase!
Secret Room is in the wrong place.
Riddle me this, Batman! If the Purple Man (killer) is “killed” in the secret room, why is the secret room located in the third location (FNAF1), when the springtrap suits were dismantled during the era of the prequel or before? Remember, Purple guy knew of the suits (and was strongly hinted to be the previous security guard in the prequel-sequel). The map seen in the mini-games clearly shows the third restaurant, not the second. So why would the company build a secret room in the later location if they had disregarded the previous technology completely in the 80’s? They also would have been more likely to destroy the suits or store them somewhere else, rather than build a hidden room in a newer, lower budgeted locale just to store these stupid, impractical things that nobody could wear.
From the wiki:
“While the events of Five Nights at Freddy’s 3 is the first in the series to not take place in Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza, the establishment from the first game is referenced in the form of the Minigames that are played after surviving a night in Fazbear’s Fright.
During the minigames, Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza is shown in a state of intense decay and disrepair. Rats are seen scurrying across the floor, the ceiling is leaking, and oil stains and other assorted garbage is strewn about. It is revealed on the map and through Phone Guy’s recordings that there is a secret safe room for employees that doesn’t appear on the security map or cameras, is inaccessible to customers, and is completely invisible to any of the animatronics, as shown by the error caused by trying to enter it during the minigame. However, due to budget restrictions, the safe rooms in all locations are locked up and sealed over with a false wall.”
Keep in mind, the location in the first game was only opened up AFTER the temporary closure of the franchise in the second game (including sister locations), in which the special suit (or the Golden Freddy suit) was used to lure the kiddies.
Also, if we are to believe that Purple Guy was a security guard (at least night shift), he was given knowledge about the secret rooms, despite them not being visible. Even if he was not the security guard, he still had to know somehow during the events of ’87.
From Night 3 in FNAF3:
” Every location is built with one extra room that is not included in the digital map layout programmed in the animatronics or the security cameras. This room is hidden to customers, invisible to animatronics, and is always off camera.”
From Night 5 in FNAF3:
“….The safe room is reserved for equipment and/or other property not being currently used and is in fact a safety location for employees only. This is not a break room, and should not be considered a place for employees to hide and/or congregate – and under no circumstance should a customer ever be taken into this room and out of the main show area. Management has also been made aware that the spring Bonnie animatronic has been noticeably removed. We would like to remind employees that this costume is not safe to wear under any circumstances….”
Here it is implied that Purple Man/Killer hid here, took children here, and stole the Springtrap costume (Spring Bonnie). It is likely he wore it which means he knew how to wear it. So either he was an employee trained (and likely promoted to security) or as security was able to access training tapes.
Continued from the wiki:
“The minigames suggest that this safe room was where the five children were murdered. They also imply that this safe room was the final resting place of Purple Guy after bleeding to death in the Springtrap animatronic-costume hybrid while trying to escape the vengeful spirits of the children. As nothing was removed from the safe rooms before the false wall was built, it is very likely that his corpse laid there until it was found by the people at Fazbear’s Fright.”
If the children were murdered in the safe room, and they were murdered by an employee from the second game who worked at that location, then the logical deduction would be that the children were murdered in that location’s safe room. Or are we supposed to buy that the employee transported them to another location without being missed in costume (a very dangerous costume that could easily malfunction at any moment)?
The only way this could work was that he transported the kids to the location in the first game (which would have to have been open as a sister location despite serious downgrading while the franchise was hot). This is easily done, he just has to sneak out of a huge, heavily populated building (FNAF2) location in full costume, into a crowded parking lot, into his van (good luck doing this in a Springtrap suit), drive to the other location (FNAF1) sneak from that parking lot with the kid(s), and enter the secret room (that must not be seen by customers) located right next to the main entrance! Then he stuffs them in suits, likely getting very bloody, for which I hope he took off that Springtrap suit! All that wetness, struggling, and heavy breathing can cause some serious lock up! Now he can just leave the suit, likely bloody (because who would notice that?). However, should he take the suit off before the murder, he himself would be quite bloody. He could put the suit back on, but then he would again have to sneak through a bunch of people (good luck explaining that to management and security) back out of the building and to the previous location. Since one of the Springtrap suits is missing, we can assume that the suit was hidden, so it’s unlikely he returned with the suit. In any event, he has to explain his absence, and leaving/exiting the building in a suit as well as revealing a hidden location to the customers. Yeah, that’s plausible.
That’s some serious twisting to make this one work.
Building layouts in FNAF1 and 2 makes no sense.
According to the maps of the first two games, rooms are situated so there is no spot for an entrance or emergency exit. Nor or room proportions shown accurately. But this is a minor detail that can be explained in terms of practicality. What I’m really concerned about is the layout of the security offices.
In the office shown in the first game, we have some old-looking security monitors huddled up against the front wall of the office on a desk. Fine. But why is the security guard seated (or standing) so far from the desk? And why are there two heavy, bay type doors at both entrances? Am I supposed to believe that having those impractical doorways is much cheaper than two thin wooden doors? If the restaurant has an energy problem, why on earth would they build these?
As for the office shown in the second game, is the office meant to be part of the attraction? This could make sense. All the customers can fully see the security guard at his desk. While this might instill a feeling of safety in the parents, it’s still kind of unnerving because it is a reminder of possible kidnappings and such in a place meant to provide a fun escape. There’s a reason security stations are sort of hidden. But I could give this one a pass. However, there should still be a door, lest some criminal or kid get into the security office and steal or start messing with the equipment. And what’s with all those open, people sized vents everywhere. That’s not only a huge security risk, but a large potential lawsuit right there. And why is the security staff only given just one inefficiently powered flashlight to hold off the animatronics? Why not a large spotlight or bright hallway lights? Why not a door? Keep in mind during the events of the second game, the Franchise has spent big, BIG bucks on the refurbishment of this building.
How do the animatronics distinguish between adult and kids? Why can’t the older models tell the difference between a suit and a person? What good is facial technology if a lot of pedophiles/kidnappers aren’t in the system?
Seriously. This bugs the hell out of me. These things are supposed to be almost sentient, able to walk around (freely), interact with customers, know when to sing and perform together, etc. We don’t see any levers or buttons on them, but supposedly they can be turned off and on, as well as have a “free roam” mode, as evidence by Phone Guy’s phone messages in the first and second games. Also there are modes unlockable in the first two games that indicate that they have advanced activity level settings. Foxy can even run.
Let’s divide the old and the new.
For the four primaries, they can “free roam”, walk on their own, play instruments, and trigger vocal recordings (play music, laugh, etc). This isn’t a supernatural occurence because these are known to happen during the day (that’s how they entertain the kids). We have to assume that these creatures that can walk would also have some sort of motion sensor so they don’t bump into tables or trample children. It is indicated that they can “see”, but for some reason or program to think that a person in the after hours is a hunk of moving metal without a suit, which is also filled with metal. This technology makes no sense.
And speaking of suits, if the suits themselves contain so much metal that it was kill a person forcefully stuffed inside, how do these big, clunky pieces of metal (endoskeleton) get “shoved” inside without damage to both the skeleton and suit? In order to maintain both, the suits would have to be taken apart and fitted over the endoskeleton piece by piece (like we see in the storage room). However these animatronics are programmed to “stuff” a bare endoskeleton into a suit, thus destroying this expensive piece of technology (and the suit). Keep in mind the suits are made out of fabric, they will shred (like we see with Foxy), and the endoskeletons have delicate wires and plugs exposed.
And then we have the new guys. The cute and plastic toys that are considered vastly more advanced because of the facial recognition software. That’s fine and dandy, but why are they coming for the security guard the first night? Also what happens if they spot a predator? Are they like attack dogs? No, in fact we are told they just stare. They don’t send out an alert, they don’t attack, they just glare. The Jeremy Fitzgerald is the only one they come for, and that’s before they are implied to be tampered with.
And according to one recorded message, they start behaving quite hostility toward the adults. Now at what point do the animatronics distinguish children from the adults? Is it after they hit puberty that they are classified as adults? When they start growing facial hair? I’ve seen some nineteen and twenty year olds that could pass for fourteen and fifteen. I’ve seen seventeen year old boys look five years older. Are they like Gremlins? If a nineteen year old turns twenty at exactly 4:30 p.m., do the animatronics suddenly get aggressive? How are these machines sophisticated enough to tell the difference?
Wait, apparently they’re not:
“Uh, now that being said, no new system’s without its… kinks. Uh… you’re only the second guard to work at that location. Uh, the first guy finished his week, but complained about… conditions. Uh, we switched him over to the day shift, so hey, lucky you, right? Uh mainly he expressed concern that certain characters seemed to move around at night, and even attempted to get into his office. Now, from what we know, that should be impossible. Uh, that restaurant should be the safest place on earth. So while our engineers don’t really have an explanation for this, the working theory is that… the robots were never given a proper “night mode”. So when it gets quiet, they think they’re in the wrong room, so then they go try to find where the people are, and in this case, that’s your office.So our temporary solution is this: there’s a music box over by the Prize Counter, and it’s rigged to be wound up remotely. So just, every once in a while, switch over to the Prize Counter video feed and wind it up for a few seconds. It doesn’t seem to affect all of the animatronics, but it does affect… one of them.-clears throat Uh, and as for the rest of them, we have an even easier solution. You see, there may be a minor glitch in the system, something about robots seeing you as an endoskeleton without his costume on, and wanting to stuff you in a suit, so hey, we’ve given you an empty Freddy Fazbear head, problem solved! You can put it on anytime, and leave it on for as long as you want. Eventually anything that wandered in, will wander back out.”
So the problems of the less advanced suits are carried onto the new ones. But if there is no “night mode” given to the animatronics (which means they are constantly in day mode) why don’t they think the people they see during the day are bare endoskeletons??
How can you tell the difference from this
…and this…
…but not this?
Also, your supervisor/trainer/manager Phone Guy has this tidbit of wisdom to share:
” Those older models would always get disoriented with bright lights. It would cause a system restart, or something. Uh, come to think of it, you might want to try that on any room where something undesirable might be. It might hold them in place for a few seconds. (That glitch?) might be in some of the newer models too.” Seriously? How do they handle being on stage and near arcade machines?
And here’s an idea: why doesn’t management just turn them off? Oh, that’s right, “…Something about their servos locking up if they get turned off for too long.” Yep. Total sense.
Whoops, Scott.
Let’s talk about Mangle.
Fazbear’s Entertainment is apparently impervious to lawsuits. Absolutely impervious! So let’s get this straight: despite Foxy being a popular kids attraction, he was deemed too ugly, dismantled, and replaced by the cuter ultra femme Mangle. Okay. Except Mangle was so faulty made (more-so I guess than both the OLDER and newer animatronics) that small children could take him apart. Despite the fact that it’s indicated that this location has only been opened a little over a WEEK, that was plenty of time for Mangle to be routinely dismantled to the point that the staff said “F**k it!” and LEFT HIM IN HIS CURRENT STATE for the kiddies to re-build as part of an attraction. You know, because parents routinely like children’s play things to have wires, hard/sharp edges, and small parts exposed.
Because doesn’t that look like something TODDLERS would want to play with?
“Did…uh… Did Foxy ever appear in the hallway? Probably not. I was just curious. Like I said, he was always my favorite. They tried to remake Foxy, ya know? Uh, they thought the first one was too scary, so they redesigned him to be more kid-friendly and put him in Kid’s Cove. To keep the toddlers entertained, you know… But kids these days just can’t keep their hands to themselves. The staff literally has to put Foxy back together after every shift. So eventually they stopped trying and left him as some ‘take apart and put back together’ attraction. Now he’s just a mess of parts. I think the employees refer to him as just “The Mangle.” Uh…”
Yep parents! Totally safe and child friendly!!
Allow me to quote the great Cinema Snob,
Oh, and this mutha can climb on the ceiling! Because, you know Foxy can run, the Toys can crawl, why not?!
The storyline reeks of Lucasian bull****.
Let me just break down this storyline that has been constructed by Scott in an obvious attempt to placate his simpering fan boys (I love you Scott but it’s getting ridiculous). But allow me to break it down to you in the way it was introduced to the fans.
In FNAF1, Freddy Fazbear Entertainment is a morally (and likely) bankrupt company that owns a local, once popular pizzeria which boasts three (really four) singing, free walking animatronics that are meant to entertain children. It’s just like Chuck E. Cheese, only despite having cuter, way more advance creations, it is not a national brand but just a local restaurant that has run into such money troubles that it can’t afford to maintain one of its primary attractions (Foxy) or resolve minor energy disputes, despite the fact it could easily sell one of these models to a theme park and make beaucoup bucks (but it can afford futuristic laptops apparently).
They have been recently having problems due to a history (revealed in easter eggs) of missing kids and animatronics attacking children (implied to be Foxy, due to his decommissioned attraction). They’ve also been having problems with their animatronics oozing blood and mucus on the costumers (no law enforcement interference here – I guess they were bribed). Then there is also the unfortunate problem of keeping security guards alive or employed, yet we must assume all are dead since this shady company OPENLY REVEALS to new employees that they will hide the body and file a misleading missing persons report (recording on audio tape that they routinely break many federal offenses – how did this company survived this long?).
During the protagonist (Mike Schmidt’s) stay as the security guard (one week) he hears the murder of another employee (phone guy) who is likely a member of management (how did that get covered up?) and is later fired from the job (probably for fixing the animatronics) instead of being promoted. The franchise is faced with closure the next day.
This also begs the question, did Mike sign a non-disclosure agreement?
Now let’s move onto the second game. Welcome back! Only to a much grander, nicer location! Tons of fun new characters as well as the old. Except despite the more advanced tech monstrosities lurking in the vents and hallways this game is set in the past! At least ten years in the past! In the 80’s! Because that makes so much sense!
And remember all that stuff that was revealed in the easter eggs that you were led to believe had happened during the time frame of the first game and in the old location? That was all lies! It happened here instead! In one week to be exact! Because Scott is totally not trying to pull a Shyamalan on the players! Not at all! It just makes way more sense!
Remember back in the first game where it mentioned the Bite of ’87, and you were led to believe it was Foxy who did it, which is why he has been left to rot for so long and the place was left to go all shady? That actually happened THIS WEEK! Which means when Foxy was originally left to rot ages ago, he was decommissioned because he wasn’t cute enough for the 80’s audience (and replaced by Mangle) then REBUILT for the downgrade only to be left to rot AGAIN in the new location! LOGIC!!
Why in the downgrade did they go back to the older animatronics? Because it is heavily implied it was the new animatronics that caused the Bite of ’87. So the older ones are considered safer, despite having almost the exact same technology! And likely being easier to maintain.
Also the kiddies went missing during this time frame. So you had a MAJOR investigation going, an arrest, lockdown, AND the Bite of ’87 all occurring in the same week (roughly within a few days). Yet somehow after a minor snafu in public relations and a trial that we aren’t told the outcome of, this company not only survived, but vastly downgraded and survived another (at least) ten years!
Now keep in mind how many security guards the company must have had to go through since the late 80’s, it must be astronomical, since many don’t survive the second night! Oh wait no, Phone Guy said at the end of the prequel and the beginning of the first game that he took over the night shift. Okay fine, but at some point he left that position and the company felt the need to add a disclaimer about hiding bodies. Not mention that not many guards (according to Phone Guy) last before the third night. Which means this happened quite a bit. I’m not going to try to calculate all the money lost to bribing people and transporting the bodies. Is this franchise located in Gotham? That would certainly explain the lack of lawsuits!
Now let’s move onto the third game. Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzaria is done. Finito! Yet someone (probably a former CEO) decided to start a tasteless horror attraction surrounding the murders of dead children and missing/mutilated employees because there are no such things as lawsuits in this world. In true Fazbear fashion the place looks cheap and gaudy and the camera’s are damn near useless. But hey, at least we now have FIRE EXITS! Baby steps guys!
The surfer dude that runs the place (no doubt a descendent of the infamous Phone Guy) has worked tirelessly to buy (or steal – because ETHICS) every piece of cursed nostalgia from all major locations. Finally he happens upon Springtrap which apparently has an disappearing-reappering rotting corpse inside (or surfer dude is blind). Surprise, surprise, Springtrap is tries to kill the new security guy! Hey, it’s fun!
What’s equally fun is a set of incriminating audio tapes featuring Phone Guy talking about Animatronic death suits and through a series of minigames all taking place in the location of the first game (which as I’ve already explain is highly illogical) the player is informed of the secret rooms and that Purple Freddy Kruger was stupid enough to get himself killed in one, now wants to kill you (for some reason). Anyway, the place winds up burning down because of faulty wiring, though why that didn’t happen with all the wires exposed in the first location (FNAF1) beats me. But yay, franchise done! We know all! Except, not.
Sorry kids, the plot holes have still not been plugged up. But thankfully Scotty has assured us that there is yet another game coming to explain it all. For sure. This time. Can’t really blame him, man’s got bills to pay.
And finally, the simple logic at how the Phone Guy is not the Purple Guy/Killer.
First off, it is HIGHLY, HIGHLY indicated the Phone guy in the first and second games are the same person.
Night 6, FNAF2 phone call:
” Hello? Hello…uh…what on earth are you doing there, uh didn’t you get the memo, uh, the place is closed down, uh, at least for a while. Someone used one of the suits. We had a spare in the back, a yellow one, someone used it…now none of them are acting right. Listen j-just finish your shift it’s safer than trying to leave in the middle of the night. Uh we have one more event scheduled for tomorrow, a birthday. You’ll be on day shift, wear your uniform, stay close to the animatronics, make sure they don’t hurt anyone okay, uh for now just make it through the night, uh when the place eventually opens again I’ll probably take the night shift myself. Okay, good night and good luck.”
Night 1, FNAF1 phone call:
“Hello, hello? Uh, I wanted to record a message for you to help you get settled in on your first night. Um, I actually worked in that office before you. I’m finishing up my last week now, as a matter of fact…. But hey, first day should be a breeze. I’ll chat with you tomorrow. Uh, check those cameras, and remember to close the doors only if absolutely necessary. Gotta conserve power. Alright, good night.”
This phone call shows that he has also been doing it for a long while, likely right after the events of ’87. It’s also safe to assume that he didn’t serve any jail time.
He also, unlike the killer, has empathy and affection for the animatronics.
“Uh, the animatronic characters here do get a bit quirky at night, but do I blame them? No. If I were forced to sing those same stupid songs for twenty years and I never got a bath? I’d probably be a bit irritable at night too.”
Night 2, FNAF2:
” Uh…heh…I love those old characters. Did you ever see Foxy the pirate?”
He has shown an affection in particular for Foxy, “Like I said, he was always my favorite.”
Not to mention that his tone throughout the second game shows his despair at the events unfolding in 1987. He even gets scared for the player and tries to warn them against any intruders (bad “former employees”). Why would a killer do that? I mean it’s so obvious it isn’t him that killed the kids.
Also bear in mind that through his dialogue the game is hinting at another possibility, “Oh, hey, before I go, uh, I wanted to ease your mind about any rumors you might have heard lately. You know how these local stories come and go and seldom mean anything. I can personally assure you that, whatever is going on out there, and however tragic it may be, has nothing to do with our establishment. It’s just all rumor and speculation… People trying to make a buck. You know… Uh, our guard during the day has reported nothing unusual. And he’s on watch from opening til close.”
Why, that looks like a security guard badge! And there was no indication that Phone Guy was a security guard until AFTER the events of FNAF2! HMMMMMM!
Ooh, looky, a new possible suspect (because Phone Guy never really was).
“Ok, so uh, just to update you, uh, there’s been somewhat of an, uh, investigation going on. Uh, we may end up having to close for a few days… I don’t know. I want to emphasize though that it’s really just a precaution. Uh, Fazbear Entertainment denies any wrongdoing. These things happen sometimes. Um… It’ll all get sorted out in a few days. Just keep an eye on things and I’ll keep you posted.
Uh, just as a side note though, try to avoid eye contact with any of the animatronics tonight if you can. Someone may have tampered with their facial recognition systems – we’re not sure. But the characters have been acting very unusual, almost aggressive towards the staff. They interact with the kids just fine, but when they encounter an adult, they just…stare.”
Again, sharing info with the new night watchman that he doesn’t have to. A killer wouldn’t do that.
“Hello, hello? Hey, good job, night 5! Um, hey, um, keep a close eye on things tonight, ok? Um, from what I understand, the building is on lockdown, uh, no one is allowed in or out, y’know, especially concerning any…previous employees. Um, when we get it all sorted out, we may move you to the day shift, a position just became…available. Uh, we don’t have a replacement for your shift yet, but we’re working on it. Uh, we’re going to try to contact the original restaurant owner. Uh, I think the name of the place was…”Fredbear’s Family Diner” or something like that. It’s been closed for years though, I doubt we’ll be able to track anybody down. Well, just get through one more night! Uh, hang in there! Goodnight!”
Wow! Major hints here. A “position just became available” on day shift. Who worked day shift before? And there was that strong hint about not letting in any previous employees. Which means that Phone Guy suspects that a recently laid off employee may be dangerous. He wouldn’t think that if he was the killer.
Unlike the Foxy speculations in the first game, here it’s practically being spelled out for you.
“Hello? Hello…uh…what on earth are you doing there, uh didn’t you get the memo, uh, the place is closed down, uh, at least for a while. Someone used one of the suits. We had a spare in the back, a yellow one, someone used it…now none of them are acting right. Listen j-just finish your shift it’s safer than trying to leave in the middle of the night. Uh we have one more event scheduled for tomorrow, a birthday. You’ll be on day shift, wear your uniform, stay close to the animatronics, make sure they don’t hurt anyone okay, uh for now just make it through the night, uh when the place eventually opens again I’ll probably take the night shift myself. Okay, good night and good luck.”
Actual concern for another human beings safety. And looky here, another strong hint. “Someone used one of the suits. We had a spare in the back, a yellow one…” HINT HINT HINTY HINT. Again, why would Phone Guy even mention this if he was the killer. Here it’s implied that the killer used either a Golden Freddy suit or Springtrap Bonnie. A day shift security guard could certainly get his hands on one. He has the keys.
It is also implied Phone Guy died recently, in the location of the restaurant of FNAF1, at the hands of the animatronics and stuffed in the storage room (with all the heads), NOT the sealed up room that wasn’t unsealed until after the first restaurant closed.
“Hello, hello? Hey! Hey, wow, day 4. I knew you could do it.
Uh, hey, listen, I may not be around to send you a message tomorrow. *banging sound* It’s-It’s been a bad night here for me. Um, I-I’m kinda glad that I recorded my messages for you *clears throat* uh, when I did.
Uh, hey, do me a favor. *bang bang* Maybe sometime, uh, you could check inside those suits in the back room? *bang bang* I’m gonna to try to hold out until someone checks. Maybe it won’t be so bad. *bang bang* Uh, I-I-I-I always wondered what was in all those empty heads back there. *chime plays*.
You know…*moan* oh, no – *noises followed by an animatronic screech and static*”
Do those white things look like animatronics to you? And he isn’t holding a phone either when he dies!
Lots of fan boys love to pretend that the above phone call doesn’t exist. Sucks for them, because several things are revealed here. One, the banging is Foxy’s banging. The Chime and moans indicate Freddy and Chica/Bonnie. Which means he is about to get gang-banged by the animatronics, not ghost kiddies. THAT’S A GIANT HINT FOLKS!
Also, he can only be referring to the backstage room when he says “back room”. Remember, the Phone Guy may (or may not) have knowledge of the now sealed rooms, but Mike DOES NOT, nor would know to look for them. If Phone Guy was referring to the sealed rooms to Mike when he said “back room,” Mike would have no idea what he was talking about, and think only about the storage room with the empty heads that the player sees. And remember, he wanted Mike to CHECK!
aka the “back room” with the empty suits and “empty heads”!
And remember, since the sealed room we saw existed in the restaurant in FNAF1 (if we are to buy that twisted logic), and the restaurant was shown in a heavy state of decay, and only featured older animatronics (the four primaries) the events in the minigames (set in that location) could NOT have taken place during the events of ’87. Remember, in FNAF3, Purple Guy dismantled the animatronics in this locale one by one, then later comes back to be confronted by the missing kids’ spirits. At this point the entrance is UNSEALED. Since the restaurant is obviously closed to the public. That meant this time frame could only happen in two instances; either between the events of FNAF2 and FNAF1, and/or after the events of FNAF1 and before the events of FNAF3. Remember, at some point the company sealed off the room, leaving his corpse to rot inside the suit. It is a possibility that this happened before the events of FNAF1, when the company was facing budget issues and heavily downgraded. However, we must also consider the fact that the company was looking to reinvest in the old animatronics. And since the old animatronics were found in the location of FNAF2, it is unlikely the suits were taken to this new location and left to be found dismantled. If you will notice, the suits in the minigames are fully intact. Therefore we must conclude these events take place after the final closing of the franchise. Which would mean that Purple Man was killed after the events of FNAF1, long after Phone Guy died.
Now is that so hard to comprehend? No matter how much the fan boys and immature game theorists want to desperately want to say otherwise, Phone Guy and Purple Man are NOT the same person. Period. No debate, no discussion. Their logic fails.
Frankly, I can’t spell it out any clearer. Just using basic logic here people. Why is it so hard for some to grasp? You won’t believe the circles people will spin just to deny the facts!
Muhahahahaaa!
And that’s it! That’s my lengthy rant. I feel so much better now. Still bitter, of course, but better.
And yes, I actually do like Scott Cawthon and the series. I just did this to tick off the fan boys. Lots of games, even great ones can have plot holes. It just is what it is. In any event, if you have read this far through, you may want to check yourself into a psych ward.
Five Nights At Freddy‘s is a fun little Indie Horror gaming series done in the style of “classics” like Night Trap (minus the cheesy cut-scenes). Taking place in a haunted pizzeria not unlike Chuck E. Cheese, the player is cast in the role of 3rd Shift Security Guard, and must survive six brutal hours, several nights in a row, at his office without the aid of weaponry (or even his own legs). His enemies? An assortment of cutesy animatronics which may or may not harbor the souls of murdered children. The protagonists must track the animatronics through cameras and use a (limited) variety of means to dissuade or hinder the malevolent beings from entering the office and killing the player. Though the plot holes in the game’s story line are many, Five Nights at Freddy’s and it’s follow ups provide an excellent challenge despite its’ simplistic game play and presentation. The game has earned overwhelmingly positive reviews from critics and gamers a like, and at this point there are three games in the series.
The games are all well done, each installment provides a new level of challenges and has its’ own unique flavor while still keeping the feel of the previous version. Each night is more difficult than the last, as more and more characters become “active” or change their roaming patterns. The intrigue of the “mystery” at Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria is amplified by the fact that the story is only revealed through audio messages and easter egg imagery. Nothing is laid out in a concrete manner, so the player must replay the game multiple times to get the “full” story. Promo for each game is minimal, and mainly done through imagery and hidden messages. Scott Cawthon, the series creator, seems to rely on the obsessive fan base and YouTube gamers to do all the work for him (smart). Often the game is released as the same day as the demo.
Having played all three games, I can tell you they are worth the hype. So long as you don’t think too deeply into the story, it provides plenty of fun jump scares, challenges and a genuinely spooky atmosphere. And the price is unbeatable! The only real stain in this series is that it seems to have attracted a very rabid following among pre-teens and the intellectually challenged. I’ve encountered my fair share of dumb, snooty, bitter, and obsessive fan boys, but these tykes make the No Mutants Allowed forum frequenters seem like well-adjusted and insanely creative people (hey, at least those hipster jerks make some very cool mods).
Now dumb fan bases wouldn’t be a problem so long as they are avoidable. Unfortunately, the 10 – 13 year olds that make up a huge bulk of the fandom insist on making nuisances of themselves. No longer content on making bad fan fiction (and even more disturbing slash fiction), they insert themselves in every conversation that remotely involves their beloved franchise, not to mention clogging YouTube with their annoying videos and spamming various forums and wiki’s. It becomes a huge issue for any normal player seeks out information on the series. If I am trying to look up helpful strategies to beat the game or get a better ending, the last thing I want to see is fifty YouTube videos with some obnoxious moron screaming and hamming it up while playing the game (in another post I will have to express my extreme dislike for obnoxious mugging idiots on YouTube), nor do I want to see a wiki or forum vandalized with spamming about dumb topics and theories written with appalling grammar and atrocious spelling that makes the whole post barely readable. Not to mention that in an effort to get the hits, sites actually start CATERING to these moronic little toads, meaning moderators neglect doing their jobs filtering out spam and useless information and more useless videos pop up with idiots trying desperately to get subscriptions while spewing misinformation on the series.
Perhaps worst of all, their moronic behavior brings a level of disrespect to the franchise. No one wants to be associated with this trollish nonsense and people begin viewing the series itself as just cheap, trendy teeny-bopper crap, thus tarnishing the legacy of a decent indie game and a hardworking, put-upon programmer.
What needs to stop:
1) Crap spamming on forums and wiki’s! We have all had enough with hundreds of posts STILL debating the already established characters GENDERS in the franchise! It doesn’t even make the SLIGHTEST difference in the storyline!
2) Purple Guy IS NOT Phone Guy, it’s basically been established that purple guy was the previous nightwatchmen in FNAF2 (particularly concerning ESTABLISHED DEATH TIMELINES) so to try to claim the opposite makes that individual look all the more ridiculous! And no, no one cares what some derpy video game “theorist” on YouTube says about it, stop bringing it up!
3) In fact NO ONE, absolutely NO ONE wants to hear any more juvenile fan THEORIES about the game!! Especially when the theories have been POSTED ABOUT and discussed a million times!! We also don’t want to see rambling for six pages or on YouTube! Most of your theories suck, are repeats, and consist mainly whatever you pull out of your butt!
4) THINK BEFORE YOU POST! Especially on wiki’s where information is insanely easy to find. LOOK at the facts PRESENTED, because trying to contort information to come up with a version YOU want and thus clutter a site with false information and ridiculous assumptions is a jerk move that annoys the crap out of thinking individuals!
5) PROOFREAD! No one expects a graduate thesis but it only takes a few seconds to add correct punctuation and change spelling! Make it legible or don’t waste our time.
6) NO MORE PERSON CAM OR REACTION VIDEOS! No one wants to see your ugly, unwashed mug twisting your face into unrealistic expressions and screaming at the audience! And no more commentary if you have nothing to add to the game play!! The only exceptions are for those that are actually entertaining and funny, which excludes 99% of the hardcore fan base.
7) GIVE US AN INFORMATIVE TITLE OF WHAT’S ON YOUR VIDEO! Warn us if you are going to add (stupid) commentary, warn us if you haven’t a CLUE what you are doing during gameplay, warn us if your footage is barely visible or shaky and off focus, and especially warn us if it involves face cam.
8) And finally, if you are under the age of 16, please restrain yourself from posting on forums and message boards, or adding to ANY and ALL wiki’s, video sites. Or until you are mature enough to add something constructive to the conversation and know how to play well with the adults.
I have such a headache.
EDIT: While browsing YouTube I came across a few Honest Trailer’s dedicated to each installment. They were quite funny, as are a great many of their videos, and I encourage you to check them out.
Watching the fan boys spaz out in the comment section is just further proving the point I am making. They don’t seem to grasp the concept of SATIRE, and instead scream and copy each other’s posts to attack Smoosh. Gee, I wonder why there is such a backlash, could it be that the fan base is composed mostly of just a bunch of little brats whose mommies should limit their internet time? Seriously, go outside and throw a ball kiddies.
And no, the story line isn’t that deep, and I am including the “hidden” content material. The entire story of the franchise can be summed up in a few paragraphs, INCLUDING THE BACKSTORY. This isn’t a game based on Lovecraftian or Tolkien lore, or written by Stanley Kubrik. It also has GLARING plot holes. But keep making twenty posts saying otherwise. I guess these jerks think if they say something over and over again that will make it so. Can you imagine if they spent half the amount of energy that they waste on this franchise on school work?
Reality television is terrible, most people would agree to that, yet so many of us watch it as a secret vice. And it’s no less terrible. Unfortunately one of mine is Bravo’s Real Housewives series. I don’t watch every new episode (thankfully because the brain rottage would be phenomenal). I usually record or catch the series on reruns. It’s all trivial nonsense (it takes me back to the awful drama I witnessed and endured in middle and high school), yet I wind up feeling incensed afterward. It’s all so petty and dumb yet I guess, like every viewer, I am addicted to the drama. And since all my friends are well-adjusted, productive people, I have NO ONE to vent my feelings to on the matter.
Except to you, who made the unfortunate choice to click on this post today. I’ll spare you going over the entire series, and focus mainly on my thoughts on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Let’s dive in!
Warning: Rambling, incoherent rants to follow, with a heavy dose of bad grammer mixed in. Some sprinkling of light profanity is to be expected. Proceed with caution.
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
This is my favorite one, though I don’t know why because I can not stand half the people on it!
I was about to give up on this one, but thankfully i love the two new additions. Lisa Vanderpump, Lisa Rinna, and Eileen Davidson are the ONLY reason to watch this series. They are fabulous and fun. Lisa V is wonderfully witty (genuinely “snarky”), Lisa Rinna is fun, funny, and so down to earth, and Eileen is sexy and cool, but highly relate-able. Naturally they are friends, REAL friends, and way to good for the rest of the batch.
I have say my Lisa V. love has grown ten fold. She is so forgiving, even to jerks like Kyle, Brandi, and Yolanda, who tried to smear her and her husband all last year. She came out smelling like roses of course. Lisa Rinna is her long time buddy, and the dynamic between the two is wonderful, light, and fun. They can relate and joke with each other without keeping score. That’s genuine friendship. It was also so endearing watching Lisa’s scenes with her adoptive son Max, and her real concerns that arise from such a dynamic. The scenes where Max wished to discover his heritage and her fears that he may decide to leave her to seek out his biological parents rang true. Max and Pandora showing their genuine love for each other and for Lisa were moments that actually tugged on my stone heart strings. Compare that to the over dramatic nonsense with Kyle whining and crying about her spoiled kids going to college (it’s always ALL ABOUT KYLE), the audience is reminded why Lisa is the fan favorite. Because she is real. She is a kind, loving person at her core who believes in raising her children to respect hard work, yet would never deny them the things they need. Her kids are well rounded, respectfully, obviously loved and love her and Ken back. Likewise for all her ribbing of Ken, they share some sweet moments together, where as Kyle is too busy bragging about how hot and successful her husband is (Yolanda too), but I will get to that soon enough.
By the way, Lisa R. and Eileen seem to have wonderful marriages and families too. Eileen has been open about her experiences as a step mom, but she seems to have bonded well with her step son (again contrast that with Kyle and Yolanda’s crying fits). She brings a whole level of maturity and calmness I’ve not seen before in any franchise, (something Yolanda thinks she does). Like the Lisas’ though she will often joke self-depreciantly about the pitfalls of being in the entertainment industry (and they will be ACTUAL jokes).
Lisa Rinna is my second favorite. She is so bubbly and fun, but honest too. While Eileen is what Yolanda thinks she is, Lisa R. is what Brandi tries to portray herself as (and FAILS miserably).
Now let’s move on to the three witches of this show.
Yolanda can lose me with her Miss Saint edit. Kumbaya? Peace and Love? Please. I’m not an idiot. Her first season in, which was JUST LAST SEASON, we watched her be passive aggressive to all the women, but especially long time friend Lisa V., whom she was more than willing to gang up on that whole season (she was also pretty snotty to Joyce at the reunion). So she doesn’t want “fake Hollywood friends”? What does she think Kyle Richards and Brandi G. are?
Yolanda just hired a really good PR agency to spin her BS. I remember her awful accusations against Lisa’s husband Ken at the season finale. All he did was try to defend his wife from Yo and Co’s malicious slandering. We saw ON FILM he did nothing wrong, yet she accused him of physical abuse RIGHT ON CAMERA, causing a SCENE at a party where all their friends and a camera crew were attending! Then she has the AUDACITY to “Forgive” Lisa for her “transgressions” on this seasons premiere! What transgressions? Because she didn’t attend her stupid self-important painting party for her daughter? AND NO APOLOGY for lying on camera about Ken and Lisa, despite there being NO PROOF WHAT-SO-EVER that Lisa was selling stories to the tabloids!
In my opinion, she is jealous of Lisa V. Why? Because Lisa V.’s husband values her as more than just a trophy Stepford wife. I’ve yet to see proof Yo’s husband David does the same.
Speaking of which, David Foster can miss me too. He is talented, sure, but no one outside of Hollywood would recognize his name, so his self-important attitude is quite laughable. He is as fake as Yo.
Yolanda is considered a member of the Hollywood Elite, so she thinks this entitles her to be the “mother hen” of the batch and it’s her primary calling to lecture and “scold” everyone. Please. Yolanda is former farmer’s daughter turned model, and she had a lot of success in high fashion before marrying one rich old man after another. She was able to live an uber glamorous life style with zero talent (and probably little real hustle) and has therefore been able transformed herself into the perfect Stepford wife. Since Husband Number XX is the renowned and highly talented David Foster, she is under the mistaken belief that his talents are HERS as well. No, sweetie.
You know, I could get on board with her having the good fortune to be genetically blessed, as well as lucky enough to be spotted at the right place at the right time to be signed on as a model, then have the further luck of being liked by all the right, hip photographers and designers of the time, even though I would be very interested to know if she had to deal with certain…indescretions…other models have had to endure just to stay on the A-lists, ahem ; but for her to expect me to buy that she is some sort of naturally born domestic goddess/perfect polly princess with the greatest marriage EVER, and she is JUST the epitome of taste and elegance and EVERYONE should want to be her friend because she is just the FABULOUS YOLANDA FOSTER who DOES. NOT. have FAKE HOLLYWOOD FRIENDS then you are insulting my intelligence, badly.
Face it, Yolanda is only sucked up to because she is Yolanda FOSTER, she is able to live a fabulous lifestyle because she married very well. She has all the time and domestic staff to mold and train herself into becoming the perfect housewife/trophy wife. I don’t buy for one SECOND that her “love” would be happy with her being any other way. She obsesses over her weight/appearance, her home, what her daughters can eat to stay model thin, etc. She works WAY to hard to impress her husband and have everything JUST “SO” for me to buy that their relationship is one of mutual respect or equality. Now contrast that to Lisa V. and Ken. Lisa detractors try desperately to compare him to door mat Greg Leakes, but Ken is self made and very loving/affectionate/protective of Lisa V. An extremely successful man on his own, he was a confirmed bachelor when he met Lisa. After marriage instead of EXPECTING her to play the role of a domesticated “good wife” (a la MS FOSTER), he taught her the business and now they work as a TEAM. And Ken would rush to be at Lisa’s side at the hospital. Again, I think that is one of the reasons Yoyo is so pressed at Lisa, it’s because Yo knows she is bought and paid for, unlike Lisa.
Like I said, Yo isn’t talented, special, or even interesting. She can stop looking her nose down at everyone, since she doesn’t have a SINGLE accomplishment she can call her own without the aid of some rich man.
Now on to Kyle. Vile Kyle. Miss Drama Queen Extrodinaire. An out of work bad actress/former child star who OBSESSES over every little thing and has to make EVERYTHING be about her. EVERY. SINGLE. THING. Not to mention what a terrible friend she is.
She is infamous for doing splits on tables at parties to get attention (she’s how old??). She is infamous for screaming and storming out of restaurants. She will spread lies and bring up issues for camera time and an audience. In fact, not to long ago she spent an entire party running around the room after a big fight to tell EVERYONE what just happened. She was the freaking host. I guess you could say she “Heather Dubrow-ed.”
She is such a horrid actress you can always tell when she is faking or “on”, which is sadly about 80% of the time.
She instigated drama against Lisa V., a long time friend and companion, for attention and jealousy. Like Yo, she was so EAGER to believe the worst of her, and would NOT DROP THE ISSUE. Yet it was all Lisa’s fault? All last year she and Brandi, the woman she bullied RELENTLESSLY for a full season even going so far to hide her crutches at a party (WHAT GROWN WOMAN WITH KIDS DOES THAT??) tried to run a huge smear campaign on Lisa V. Now that Brandi has turned on her and is doing the same, Kyle is whining and crying like this isn’t a heaping dose of KARMA!
Brandi is the same woman whom, the very first season she was on, Kyle imidiantly went on the defensive and started to attack (with ZERO provocation). Two episodes in and Kyle was embaressing her kid in front of other kids and on television, making fun of Brandi for BEING ON CRUTCHES, only to later HIDE her crutches at a party that she and her imbecilic sister WERE MOCKING HER at. Brandi, seasons later wound up revealing herself to be just as vile, but at that point the ONLY PERSON who was trying to be her friend was Lisa. Brandi would of course later throw Lisa under the bus, just like Kyle, and I am still waiting hear any evidence that Lisa was a “master manipulator” who “leaked to the press” information about anyone on the show. Lisa, who has more money than those two combined, who lives quite comfortably and is actually busy and happy with her lot on life. Sorry, no.
Brandi turned on Kyle because Kyle deserves it. Kyle is a talentless shlog who is obsessed with being famous and material possessions. Kyle uses people, makes horrible accusations, tells lies, and accesses people based on how useful they are to her (exhibiting all the traits she tried to project on Lisa V.). Brandi is now giving her a taste of her own medicine, and I couldn’t be happier.
Brandi is essentially the Tamra Barney of the crew. She is crass, stupid, constantly wasted, vicious, nasty, and a total trashy slob. She uses and manipulates people with the best of them, then will turn on them. The only difference between her and Kyle is that Kyle is a whiney braggart with some actual money and a put-together family; Kyle’s also usually sober. Brandi did Kyle’s dirty work for her last season, and now has moved on to Kim and is airing out all of precious Kyle’s laundry. Serve’s her right.
However I have to laugh when Brandi runs around making ageist remarks about the other women. Brandi is only a few years younger than Kyle, who is herself only a few years younger than Brandi’s current bestie Kim Richards. So every time she insults one of those “Menopausal Mommas” she is actually attacking her “dear” friend Kimmie. Plus, as Kyle (or maybe it was Lisa) said at the reunion, it’s better to go through menopause than have your cootchie and tampon string exposed to the whole world.
As for Kyle’s sister Kim, I won’t touch that, but it speaks to Bravo’s scruples that they still allow her on the show (guess Kyle wouldn’t have a storyline otherwise).
Real Housewives of Orange County
Truthfully I have given up on the series. It was bad enough with racists and drunken trash like Tamra Barney and Vicki Gunderson, but add the self important Heather and Terry Dubrow into the mix and I am out for good.
Mean girl Heather who constantly tries to act like she is so much more educated, cultured, and classier than the other women, is such an insufferable phoney and BAD ACTRESS I can’t deal anymore. Heather, with her overly botoxed, Joker face, can take her Word-Of-The-Day calender and shove it, especially since she doesn’t know the difference between a thesaurus and a dictionary. I pretty sure classy individuals don’t brag about being rude to waiters, or yack endlessly about how big their mini-mansions are, or how many famous people they “know,” or act nasty and spread lies about coworkers. And Terry, it’s HIGHLY unprofessional to give unsolicited “medical” analysis of people you don’t like. Grow up. You’re over 50 and it isn’t cute. And what a perfect family they have, Terry shows ZERO interests in his kids (I think he even called his very young school aged daughter a “slut.”) KLASSY!
By the way, Terry looks down on blue collar workers. Is anyone surprised? Until the insufferable Dubrows are gone I won’t be watching.
And Heather, sweetie, you were never a big deal as an actress. Having kids and changing your name had ZERO effect on your “career.” You were never going to be the next Julia Roberts. Daddy could only buy your way in so far. Like Kyle Richards, you bring the HAM on board for every performance and you are not cute. You moved to Orange County because there are tons of (better) plastic surgeons in L.A., Beverly Hills, and Hollywood. Only in Orange County are you and your husband special snowflakes. You are a bore. Good bye.
The Real Housewives of Atlanta
The ratings for this show is so high, and I have no idea why. Well, maybe one. Her name is Kenya Moore and while her delusions are on a painfully high scale she can be quite entertaining in a weird, train wreck sort of way. And thank god we have Claudia Jordan to throw some decent shade back at the insufferable ME-ME Leakes.
ME-ME is the only one I can’t stand. Between her crass, bully girl behavior, obnoxious donkey braying and grotesque, over-the-top faces that she must make in EVERY SINGLE TALKING HEAD I can’t find a redeemable trait in her! She’s not even a hustler, we’ve seen on tv her agency doing all the work for her. And what does she bring to the table? She isn’t funny, or interesting. She has no taste (just a label slob). She has no charisma, wit, or class. She’s super hypocritical, pressed, and loud. Not to mention all the times she’s shown racial, homophobic, and sexist tendancies. Calling Claudia a “half breed?” Really?? And how did this heifer get a role on Broadway when legit actors struggle? It isn’t from any line readings I can tell you that!
I think I’m ready to stop watching that one too. Heck, I shouldn’t be watching any of this crap in the first place! And how awful are those reunions and Watch What HappensLive? WWHL is just Andy mugging and preening to the camera, while the reunions have been reduced to just a bunch of screaming harpies with Andy pausing to cock his head to the side and make cutesy faces. Andy is an incompetent host. Can’t stand him.
Well, that’s really all I have to say. If you have managed to read this far, congratulations! You deserve a beer (or several) from the finest brewery! Or maybe a cookie. Your choice!
The sharks featured in Jaws and the sequels are not officially named “Jaws.” That is a fan moniker. Also, it is a different shark in every movie. You wouldn’t believe how many idiots think otherwise.
Also, the first sequel wasn’t half bad. The director had to follow Spielberg. Tough break, but he did well considering. Jaws 2 also wasn’t any more unrealistic than Jaws. It’s basically what Jaws would have been if Spielberg could have made the mechanical shark function properly. The suspense in the first film was largely due to technical problems.
Same for Ghostbusters 2. While it is nowhere near the level of the first, it’s a decent (if unnecessary) follow up, with some really enjoyable scenes. Suck it, hipsters.
Westworld is an underrated classic and the inspiration for Jurassic Park. Science Fiction films in the 70’s and 80’s are the absolute best because, largely unlike science fiction in the 50’s and 60’s, they weren’t involved with space exploration, but instead man versus machine. Watching man create the perfect version of himself or the perfect slave, only to have it turn on him. Or dealt with post apocalyptic wastelands (man made, as is it’s nature). Overall, much more entertaining then watching a funny dressed, smug “space pilot” battle a ridiculous looking alien with an obvious backdrop. All science fiction films I have seen of the 50’s and 60’s are absolutely ridiculous, in both presentation and script. However, most science fiction films in the 70’s and 80’s I have seen that dealt with similar topics, hold up quite well. In conclusion, science fiction films in the 50’s and 60’s were cheesy and hastly made, which in turn failed to add respectability to the genre. Why it’s deemed the Golden Age of Science Fiction I have no idea.
Because it can’t be said enough, John Carpenter’s The Fog, Halloween, and The Thing still holds up extremely well. Also, check out his fun satire pieces, They Live and Escape From New York/L.A.
POP CULTURE
Katy Perry’s half time show at the Superbowl was pretty bad. One can have a family friendly show without resorting to childish exploits. To get rid of that stink, we need a decent rock act or perhaps Missy to headline the next.
I do find it hilarious that she is now suing people over the Left Shark meme. Her performance was so embarrassingly forgettable that a badly dancing shark mascot managed to upstage her. She’s so butt hurt that NO ONE remembers her performance so she is sticking her lawyers on everyone. What next, Katy? Are you going to sue Missy for being the real star of the show? I’ve lost so much respect for her.
Speaking of being performances, I thought the Grammy’s were decent this year. Of course little twinks are in an uproar because the amazing Beck won Album of the Year over 20 time Grammy Winner Beyoncé. Beck’s album was quite good (better than Beyoncé) and he is an actual artist. People try to argue that just because Beyoncé has many producers and writers, that shouldn’t disqualify her album to the committee. What they fail to realize is that the more producers and writers one has on an album, the less that album is about the so-called artist anymore. Beyoncé doesn’t write her stuff, she outsources big talent to do all that for her. As far as I am concerned, very little of her music even has anything at all to do about her. You could take that same team, put them on someone elses’ album, and have the exact same impact, because Beyoncé is incredibly overrated as an entertainer. But there is only one Beck.
Also, Kanye needs to learn to keep his idiotic mouth shut.
Also, SNL needs to quit ripping off Key and Peele. SNL still features a lot of talent, but they haven’t been truly funny since the 80’s and 90’s.
Shows you should Netflix: The Bates Motel, Sherlock, Archer, Boardwalk Empire, Better Call Saul, and Mystery Science Theater 3000.
All aboard the Satellite of Love!
MUSIC
Lana Del Rey’s Ultraviolence is one of the best pop albums I have heard in a long time. And yes, it’s better than Beyoncé. So why it wasn’t at least nominated confuses me.
GAMING
Grand Theft Auto V is being milked like crazy! But that’s cool, since I love the game! However, I will wait until the Greatest Hits/Ultimate Edition to come out for the PS4 before I buy a single DLC, because there is no point wasting all that money. By the time I get out of school, get my first novel completed (finally), etc, time will have flown and it will have been released, ready and waiting. I never waste money on independent DLC’s. I keep busy, so when the complete edition is out, I can buy it for little more than the cost of a new game and enjoy it on a free weekend, without having spent almost $200 on the game AND 4 or 5 DLC’s (at about $20 a pack, it adds up quickly). For Fallout: New Vegas, I waited until the Ultimate Edition came out. That was all 4 major storyline DLC’s and four “stuff” packs, and I paid roughly what I would have paid for a new game, minus any DLC’s ($50-$65). I love Rockstar Games, but I am not about to shell out a small fortune for extra’s when the money can be used for more important stuff. I’m not some rich kid living in Mommy’s basement. I have priorities.
With that said, Rockstar, I am going to need something to spend my in-game money on beside properties (that I have to keep up) and vehicles (especially since I can only keep FOUR vehicles in a garage – seriously?).
By the way, if you find yourself restarting the game (as I have had to do since I am trying for 100% completion), invest your funds at the start of the game in Merryweather and LifeInvader stocks, then cash out before you do those missions. No money? No problem! There is a sunken submersible easily found off the coast of Los Santos that continuously spawns $25,000. You just have to dive underwater to get it!
Also, Rockstar, I’m still waiting for a special edition, re-release of Manhunt. Get to it already!
No one asked, nor wanted, any prequels/remakes of the following: Halloween, John Carpenter’s The Thing, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Alien, The Shining, Star Wars, etc. All that results is a taint by creating an ugly, plot-holed, dirty stain on it’s legacy
And to whomever these idiots are that keep paying to see the fifty million sequels that results in these franchises, turning them into Hollywood cash cows insuring that they will continue to be cranked out in deteriorating fashion: you are helping to destroy a legacy. At least bootleg that crap!
Rob Zombie is a one trick pony. That’s fine, because perfecting the trick can turn a person from a novelty act to a master magician. But try mixing it up a bit, the schtick has gotten old.
John Carpenter’s The Fog is a classic. If you are bored while watching, that is because you are a boring person. And I can’t help you.
Seth McFarland is awesome but he is not in the league of Matt Stone/Trey Parker and Matt Groening/David Cohen/Sam Simon. Pepsi challenge that.
Adding pools with a free update still does not make The Sims 4 worth 70 bucks. Try again.
I’m a total film/music/book/blah snob/critic, even though my point of view is not any better than most. I will however, remain unapologetic because I am an annoying hipster.
Ghostbuster’s 2 was not that bad of a film. In fact, it was enjoyable. It was however unnecessary. Now that we have a decent video game, we can happily END the franchise. Seriously, DO NOT revive it, Hollywood. Murray has moved on. So should you.
Twilight is not a deep, well thought out, or entertaining film franchise. It is not a “saga.” It isn’t even considered a true vampire film. Plainly put: it’s garbage. It will be forgotten in 20 years. It is not, nor will ever be, a classic. That said, it’s alright to like it (gag), just don’t pretend it’s any good.
Also, Kristen Stewart can’t act. Period. She can’t act in anything. She is incapable of showing any emotion, or hell, any signs of life. Tommy Wiseau is a better actor than her. Adrienna Miles can act circles around her. Ever seen Troll 2? The entire cast on Troll 2 on their WORST day can out act her. K-Stew should retire, because most people are sick of seeing her. She is also not an intellectual, I don’t care how bored she looks at fan gatherings. She was also a terrible child actress, who I hear had to use nepotism to get roles. Her affair on the set of Snow White and the Huntsman (a film she ruined in the title role) just offers further proof (in my opinion) that she has never had a “good” audition. And yes, I am implying that she spends a lot of time on the “casting” couch. Bottom line, If she hates being in the spotlight, wants to do “serious” roles, blah blah blah, than she would quit acting in Hollywood films and take several classes, before turning to theatre, where she could actually show her “talent” without all the “fame”. But of course she’s not serious. Just an idiot. So she can stop her whining.
Also, Troll 2 is more watchable than Twilight.
Reefer Madness is one of the greatest things ever created by man. The other is caffeine.
The television phenomenon known as Twin Peaks is set for a revival. This will ONLY work if Lynch is on board. But even then, I doubt it will recapture the magic of the original.
I really miss Mystery Science Theater 3000. I love both Mike and Joel.
The “goth” chick on NCIS is freaking annoying. I hate her little cutesy act. Also, NCIS sucks.
Who are these people who think that Adam Levine is sexy? He’s a douche.
The Lord of the Rings trilogy is better than the original Star Wars films. And I say that as a Star Wars fan.
Also Empire beats Return. Return beats Tower, Return is tied with Fellowship.
The Pirate’s of the Caribbean series would have been a million more times enjoyable if it just had Johnny Depp and Geoffrey Rush (and Bill Nye) running around playing pirates. That love triangle thing was tiring. No offense to the actors, but I wish the characters of Elizabeth and Will had been shoved into shark infested waters within the first five minutes of meeting them. And torn to pieces in five seconds. Then never mentioned again.
If you have actually read this far you deserve a cookie. Or a beer. Take your pick.
Kick-Ass and Kick-Ass 2 not only embodies every essential element of superhero-dom, but is arguably better written and directed than any over produced, over blown, over budget, money whoring super hero franchise that has hit the theatres in this past decade in a shameful attempt to market toy lines.
On that note, I don’t care for Stan Lee. Deal.
Making fun of people who enjoy the Harry Potter, LOTR, and Hunger Games books, then talking about how great Fifty Shades of Grey is, makes you a tool. Also the Hunger Games was clearly influenced by the gritty Battle Royale, but modified for a more diverse audience (namely younger). Which isn’t a bad thing, but quite obvious.
Once Upon a Time and Beastly are among the most ghastly pieces of crap I have ever seen on television… that is not “reality” television.
The Walking Dead comic book fan boys need to stop complaining about the revised television show. It is not “woeful.” Truth is, they are just pressed that no one gives two spits about the comic books (which are actually very good), and yet EVERYBODY watches the show. Accept it and move on.
Attention, Cracked: I know plenty of twenty and thirty somethings that watch and enjoy The Big Bang Theory. In fact, I don’t know a single one who doesn’t. Bitching about it constantly is a turn off. Shut up.
Also, complaining about The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Eminem, Nickelback, and/or Korn in every. single. music. article. is not just annoying, but makes the writer look like an obsessed loser. Focus more on writing decent music articles (for once). Thanks.
I also don’t need someone lecturing me on what makes a great video game based on the attention span of his seven-year old son.
Truth be told, in honor of The Sims 4 coming out I was planning on writing a large post comparing the game play and advancements of the two previous entries to the franchise, The Sims 3 and The Sims 2, as well as give a brief summary of my thoughts on some of their other major spin-offs and console projects (primarily The Urbz and The Sims Medieval). Unfortunately WordPress does not like my current internet service, and the constant thunderstorms in my neck of the woods really haven’t helped matters. So instead, allow me to offer this post instead.
I have already written about my love of the series in other posts, particularly the wonder that was the original series, but this is the first time I have chosen NOT to pre-order the newest generation base game. Why? Because in the U.S., a base game, non-special edition PC port of The Sims 4 runs at $59.99, about the same as a new console game. Not the worst price ever, for a FULL game. Unfortunately, The Sims 4 appears to have less features than The Sims 1 base game, that came out FOURTEEN years ago (it also included pools, by the way). The gameplay also looks severely lacking.
Sure, by outer appearance there are some nice additions and improvements. The new emotions feature looks nice (though it doesn’t really excite me), I love the new look of the Sims (the cartoony aspect harkens back to the fun whimsy that Will Wright had originally intended for the series). There appears to be improvement on the build mode and customization aspects of the game, which are features I use quite a bit (I would spend HOURS creating gorgeous mansions for my characters). And I think the starter neighborhood is lovely.
Of course, having a fun character placed in a pretty (tiny!) world having NOTHING TO DO kind of spoils it. They are basically stuck on Tranquility Lane. I could really care less about loading screens (we had them in the first two gens) but the open world aspect that I loved is all gone. There’s nothing for them to do and no where for them to go. So what’s the point of giving them advanced AI if they are practically stuck at home? Sure, that’s what happened in The Sims 1 base game, but The Sims 1 was the first of its kind. It was fun and fascinating. But at this stage there should be more, much more. At least for SIXTY BUCKS!
“Everything below has been 100% confirmed, excluding the final category.
This is a list of features that were COMPLETELY CUT or REDUCED from previous iterations of The Sims. It DOES NOT include missing expansion pack content that should be base by now (i.e. Weather) or new features promised for Sims 4 that were later cut (i.e. Woohoo Skill).
Lastly, it is important to understand that much of this content will NEVER be in The Sims 4. Things like Create a Style are not compatible with the game engine, and thus cannot be added in future updates or expansions.
” ‘The fact is, we owe you a clearer explanation for why pools and toddlers will not be in The Sims 4 at launch,” executive producer Rachel Franklin wrote in a new blog post.
“It begins with new technology and systems that we built for this new base game for The Sims – a new AI system, new animation system, new audio positioning tools, new locomotion logic, new routing intelligence and much more are all entirely new in this game.
“So the bottom line is that when we sat down and looked at everything we wanted to do for this game, all the new tech we wanted to build into it, the fact was that there would be trade-offs, and these would disappoint some of our fans. Hard pill to swallow, believe me, but delivering on the vision set out for The Sims 4 required focus.’ “
*cough, cough* expensive DLC packs *cough cough*
Look, I can’t understand why all of a sudden not having toddlers or pools is due to tech reasons. It’s been done before. But I could even forgive that if there was a ton of new features or stuff for your Sims to do. But there isn’t! Your Sims can barely work or manipulate the environment around them. Sure, your Sims can interact with each other “better” I guess. But that doesn’t make up for the large lack of features. Their world is hollow. It might as well be a console game. Although I bet a console game would feature a FREAKING POOL!
And get this, EA won’t allow reviews of their game before release.
BIG. RED. FLAG.
Look, I own all the gens for The Sims series, and most of the expansions. When The Sims 3 came out, the base game gameplay was fairly bland. BUT the had a great deal of stuff that I thought made up for it. Full customization of your Sims, your furniture, clothes, home, most of the world, etc. And a truly open world (no loading screens). Sunset Valley was beautiful and felt alive. There was plenty of spaces for building opportunities. True, the game was buggy and often crashed. But it was fun. Of course later EA shafted us with the DLC’s and expansion packs (but that’s another post for another time). However, it felt like a more even effort. This version? Feels incomplete throughout. And there is no excuse. They should have listened to the fans and learned from their mistakes with the last gen.
Bottom line, it’s just doesn’t seem worth the price and to say I’m disappointed with EA is putting it very mildly. I miss Will Wright.
IF the reviews are good, I’ll wait for the duel starter pack. I will give EA some credit though for providing The Sims 2 Ultimate Edition pack for free download to tide me over.
Games, Gaming, the games. Some would argue they are a waste of the time and the mind, fit only for entertainment of the awkward or anti-social. I disagree. I’m not wasting my life, I am getting a ton of enjoyment when I play, and hey, a lot of the time the stories are better than Hollywood.
I write, I read, I watch, I game. They are activities that can be enjoyed with friends or without. They can be cost efficient too (every book, film, and game I own has been enjoyed a multitude of times – major bang for my buck).
Films, films, films. A lot of upcoming films that drew my interest (and some my ire). Not to mention the much anticipated installment to a beloved series (pissed in the toilet, some would argue, by it’s own creator). There’s also some gaming releases I am immensely looking forward to, so let’s dive right in….
The Purge: Anarchy – love, love, love the concept behind the series but let’s be honest, the execution needs some serious work. The last one was a disappointment for many, but had some firm ideas behind it. Apparently this will be carried on in the sequel. It could be a fairly decent Redbox rental, but I suspect that like it’s predecessor it will have too many ideas and too muddle a story line to be the masterpiece it could be. Shame, because there is a lot of food for thought behind the initial ideas. A great director and script writer are an absolute must if this is to be a longstanding series with any staying power. As of now I expect the third installment (trust, there will be a third film) will be a straight to dvd.
Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Part Two, or whatever the hell we are calling this prequel – seriously? Are we really doing this? How many freaking prequels do we need to a story that shouldn’t have to be told? Is George Lucas somehow behind this? Where to begin? How about how over-the-top ridiculous nature of this films plot? Freaking talking ape militias weilding machine guns and leaping about among explosions? It just looks so stupid and with such awful CGI. How the heck did they con Gary Oldman into being in this? What a waste of talent. Do I dare ask how much money was put into this? And you know what I can’t figure out? You know that this is going to be a box office smash (you just KNOW this), but why? A bad movie can make money, okay, but a BLOCK BUSTER SMASH? Total killer to the original sci-fi masterpiece.
Lucy – this could actually be a decent film. It’s has a great lead and an interesting premise, though I wonder if the ending will pay off. In any event, it looks like a masterpiece compared to the other two. I do expect there to be a lot of pseudo-science shoved in there though, but at least this is an action film that tries to be entertaining, instead of a blah cash cow.
Numerous blogs keep harping on the upcoming Disney owned Star Wars films. As a Star Wars (movie) fan, I feel obligated to go see each film installment they come out. And yes, I saw all the prequels in theaters, feeling my soul die a little more each time. Never-the-less, my love for the original trilogy can not be denied, and like the mother of a serial killer I feel obligated to show some support (by at least being there for the parole hearing). However, I am so disappointed so many people are jumping on the hate band wagon already. At least wait until the film comes out. I’m going to try to remain optimistic, there is a good director at the helm, and no Lucas interference. Sure it’s Disney, which means it will be highly commercialized, but Disney HAS given us good films before. Classics even. Sure, many of them were cartoons, or cartoonish. Or musical. And filled with lots of cutsy imagery. And ham-fisted morality. And yes, I’m worried that it might wind up too….Muppet friendly….but maybe not.
I’m not convincing anyone am I? Well, I bet it will at least be better than Michael Bay’s latest attempt to crush our childhood with the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle film….which I will probably wind up seeing.
The last few months of my life have been so incredibly busy that when I have a moment to pause, I find that my mind completely shuts off, and unfortunately this blog has been more neglected than usual. As it is now, I seem to have a precious few weeks of fair few commitments. It is my hope to fill this blog with numerous new postings to make up for the next few months, when my time will be absorbed with school, family affairs, work, and some small form of social engagements.
As of right now, I have no less than SIX drafts that I’ve been meaning to finish (video game reviews mostly), and a friend has recently loaned me his nine film collection of Killjoy, Demonic Toys, and Gingerdead Man films, which I may choose to post on (as I quite enjoyed most of the Puppet Master series – there is something to be said about cheesy, bad horror movies that laugh WITH the audience). Plus a few musings that might make decent posts.
However, since it appears I have a few followers, if there is something someone would like me to post on, I would like to try to accommodate them.